Reflections

Realization of sorts?

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 08:52:02 GMT

So I finally admit. I am selfishly selfless. It absolutely sucks. Because in addition to not wanting anything for myself, I satisfy my needs by giving other people what they want. WHAT ABOUT WHAT I WANT?! But THAT is exactly the problem. What I want is other people's happiness. My god, can I be stuck in any more of a shit loop?

Full Metal Alchemist : Brotherhood (and what turned into a fandom rant)

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 05:58:01 GMT

One of my friends just told me today that the second season of Full Metal Alchemist has finally come out! Man, after 4-5 years of waiting, it's finally here! How exciting. I even put off CIS studying for this; that's how important it is.

It's weird watching it and knowing all the plot points (kind of). It's nice watching the anime being redone though. The last ending left me feeling very bitter and empty, and this is like the "revival". I get to see all the characters get a second chance (except I still get the feeling that things won't have a happy ending...hopefully I'm wrong?). I might end up still liking the original better, even if most/all of the voice cast remained the same. So far, season one seems more dramatic, and Edward's character isn't as well reflected in the new series (okay, so the short jokes are still there). Personally, I felt like they crammed too many lovable characters into one 24 minute episode. The watchers aren't going to fully appreciate characters like Hughes or Armstrong!! They have to grow on you! There wasn't enough time for that. T^T

<3 Maes Hughes. He was my favorite!

In other news relating to how Jing sucks and has abandoned her fandoms like no other: James Marsters is officially in the US Dragonball Z live action movie. Rumiko Takahashi is moving on with her life, and I *think* that Inuyasha may have ended (but I haven't followed well with this ever since my hopes of a season 2 of the anime coming out were crushed). And wow, there are SCENES from the Dragonball Z movie?! WHAAA? Um, wait, scarier is that it's coming out in 2 days. On the day of the Comp Sci midterm. Wow, IIII'mmm an idiot. (or the 10th, apparently people aren't sure, which sucks...) Sadly, I suspect the only thing that will make this worth watching in theaters at all is James Marsters. Otherwise, it looks like another cheap mtv production. (lol). Woohoo, and Funimation is going to stream FMA on the 9th! Yeah, I keep jumping around in this paragraph...whooo cares? Even if I hate Funimation because they ruin everything that makes a series worth watching...it's still exciting!! In other *other* news, Full Metal Panic might also be picked up for a live action...the downside? I think Zac Efron wants to play Sousuke, and I would have to kill myself.

Yay, one of those really happy and self satisfying pointless entries. WOOT.

(And I might as well add another useless point: I love Jay Chou. Oh my god. He is BEEEAAST.)

(And you know what else?! Meteor Garden came out before Boys Over Flowers! Woohoo, the Taiwanese beat the Koreans! Well, technically we beat the Japanese at Hana Kimi too, but whatever.)

(AGHHH, and there's a sequel to KO One and X Family called KO-San Guo or something lame like that with NONEEE of Fahrenheit. No Jiro? REALLY!!? Even if George Hu (and what's up with all these actors being American and being born in New York and working in Taiwan?) is adorable, no one will/can replace Jiro!)

(WHY ARE KOREAN BOYS SO FUCKING ADORABLE?!)

Note to self: Watch Valkyria Chronicles and Shangri-La.

Sun, 08 Feb 2009 19:22:39 GMT

Jackie Chan in ABQ!

That's pretty cool! He ate at Moxi's restaurant pretty much every day. And then he flew her mom to China on a day trip and back! Holy cow. That is amazing. If only he had stayed until Winter Break, then I could have met him! Albuquerque is getting more popular as we speak! (It's because of the spectacular sky and beautiful sunsets ((people seem to just ignore the fact that it's incredibly high and dry and dead looking sometimes))).

Last night was freshman formal. It was pretty fantastic. Though it reminds of all our dances throughout high school. With everyone dressed up, people kind of standing around, nervous to start dancing, making tense jokes to put off getting onto the dance floor for as long as possible. That's how all our high school dances were. It's so different from a frat party. It feels like it's easy to start dancing at a frat party since everyone's drunk/wasted and everyone blends. It's just a bunch of college kids looking for a good time. With something formal, it feels like there are expectations. Everyone's always wondering "Is someone else watching me and judging to be a bad/good at what I'm doing?!" Although most of the time, I was just wondering if my dress was going to fall down...awkward. I apologize for my lack of cleavage...

Sometimes...

Fri, 06 Feb 2009 07:27:44 GMT

Sometimes I'll just randomly find myself smiling because I'm thinking of him. Something funny he said. Something funny he did. Something weird but adorable about the way we act together. Something I felt so embarrassed about around him, and looking back now, realized was stupid. Those random smiles are the best. Sometimes I find myself walking on Locust walk, and I'll notice that I have the hugest smile on my face. I did it just now too. I was just studying physics. I don't even remember what it was that made me smile. All I know is that it is the best feeling, ever.

That's When I Love You

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 05:41:04 GMT

The first thing at my priority list in this world, this lifetime is to love. Love love love. Above all else. When I die, what else could make me happier? Does this mean I'm stupid or ignorant of the workings of the world? I don't want to die and then realize that my entire life was devoted to work, and though there might be significant achievements along the way, and in my last moments, I might recall them, but what would make me happier than thinking of those who were there to congratulate me on my successes?

I don't want to live any moment and forget to love. To think of my work above humanity. I don't want to put off meeting with a friend because I have a lot of work. Yes, there are times when there is a deadline, and I have to decline a friend's request, but that's crunch time. Do I really not have 10 minutes out of my day to spend with them? An hour out of a lifetime to have lunch? It reminds me of that story I read in Mr. Dewitte's classroom the last time I was there before school started.

Remember the mayonnaise jar and two cups of coffee when things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 Hours in a day are not enough.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the liquid into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - God, family, children, health, friends, and favorite passions -- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car.

The sand is everything else -- the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "There is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you."

"So...Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

Boats and Birds

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 22:09:55 GMT

If you be my star
I'll be your sky
You can hide underneath me and come out at night
When I turn jet black and you show off your light
I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine

But you can skyrocket away from me
And never come back if you find another galaxy
far from here with more room to fly
Just leave me your stardust to remember you by

If you be my boat
I'll be your sea
A depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity
Ebbing and flowing and pushed by a breeze
I live to make you free
I live to make you free

But you can set sail to the west if you want to
and pass the horizon till I can't even see you
far from here where the beaches are wide
Just leave me your wake to remember you by

If you be my star
I'll be your sky
You can hide underneath me and come out at night
When I turn jet black and you show off your light
I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine

But you can skyrocket away from me
And never come back if you find another galaxy
far from here with more room to fly
Just leave me your stardust to remember you by
stardust to remember you by...

I'm doing physics right now, I have no idea how I'm going to pass this year. I'm already lost, sadly.

1st Post of 2oo9!

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 00:19:04 GMT

YAY! Wow, this really took me a while. But I'm only 5 days late! The thing is that I'm taking up journaling (again). I have a really cute 365 day journal and I really want to finish.

I'm not really a new year's resolutions type person, or maybe I used to be, but I never remember my resolutions at the end of the year anyways. I made resolutions for college which I kept pretty well, so I guess that's an accomplishment.

Mm, in summary, 2008 was an amazing year. It was probably the best year of my life. I wonder if 2009 will top it?! (We'll see, I sure hope so! ;P). I became the closest to my best friends that I've ever been...not to mention we've ventured far into unmentionable territory, and we can now officially talk about anything and everything now. I love them to death. It really sucked leaving them when college started, but I think to some degree, all of us were looking forward to going out there all on our own again and make new friends, meet new people, become independent, go someplace new, get out of NEW MEXICO.

So it was nice, being the "new" me. Not "new" like a different me. But I presented myself in the best way possible and really let my walls down, which was something I built up during high school. I became more outgoing and friendly, but still...ME. Going to college was amazing. I met a lot of new, cool people who accept me for me, but we're obviously just not at the point of talking about everything yet. And I'm in a relationship with someone that I find amazing in so many ways who accepts me for me and loves the things about me that I've fought so hard to keep. I learned about freedom and what I want. Things are just better without my parents. I don't feel so much like I need their approval for things. I really learned about what kind of decisions I would make without them monitoring me...and I learned that my decisions are pretty good compared to others with new freedom like me...

"The only people for me are the mad ones. The ones who are mad to love, mad to talk, mad to be saved the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow Roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars."
-Jack Kerouac

Midnight

Mon, 29 Dec 2008 07:06:19 GMT

Stuff I hate about Macs:

- Steve Jobs is an asshole
- Expensive
- Ugly as PCs, despite the glorious amount of hype and in-movie advertisements to perpetuate the notion that Apple computers are somehow sexier than PCs because the case is shiny and has smooth edges.
- And, a quote: "PCs are invariably superior in that they don't promote a massive, instigatory obligation to spread pointless elitism about platforms."

LOL LOL LOLLLL

Also, the fact that I was journaling really died. It's difficult to keep an every day journal when for one, you're writing in a planner, and secondly, because you don't sleep in your own room, which can make personal journaling at night before bed difficult. But I bought a very adorable journal in China over the summer that's a 365 day journal so I'm really going to try my hand at it again. And this time, I'm bringing markers and cute pens! And I'm going to start it on New Years, so it should end perfectly on New Year's Eve next year (assuming I don't write 2 pages a day and that I write everyday, or if it's a leap year..., etc) But I'm really going to try my hand at it again. I'm excited!

Probably the best bit of advise I've ever read online was from Kit. I don't even know if she blogs anymore...I don't think so. And I don't think she writes anymore either. But still, I remember going through a ton of her entries rereading. The last entry I read/remember said:

Take things for what they are, not what you want them to be.

That's probably why lots of relationships with people---whether friends, family, and especially interests---fail. We don't take people for what they are. We want them to fit a certain mold we design for them. We keep kidding ourselves into thinking they're what we think they are, and when reality hits, and we find out they're not the person we thought they were, the connection is ruined.

I don't want to feel like I'm plagiarizing Kit, but I just read another of her entries, and I'm not even sure if I've posted it before (I think I might have...) but she feels the exact same way as me, so I find it a little pointless for me to summarize the exact same words with less eloquent ones:

I realized when my mind is content, I don't feel the yearning to write.

I'm just, content.

I am content with what I have. I like how I don't need to ask for anything else. I like the simplicity. The ability to feel time being suspended for a few seconds to enjoy a simple moment. And because it is simple, it feels beautiful. Sometimes, I randomly feel tears, and sometimes, randomly things make me want to cry. And even though the thing that I am missing still eludes me, I now feel content. Scared to lose this contentment. This feeling as if everything is okay, finally. That those skeletons in my closet will remain in that forgotten closet. Maybe I am kidding myself, maybe this is just the peak, but it would be nice if things could remain like this for a while. And that those flaws so conspicuously hidden beneath the surfaces will stay hidden, even though they are there, glaring.

But, I am content.

And sometimes, I forget how just laying down with someone you care about, not speaking, can be a blessing amongst the daily squabbles of life.

And I'm happy my friends are my friends.

And I'm happy with my relationship.

And even though the word 'happy' probably denotes something I do not completely have right now, I feel it seems only correct to assume that it is close to the actual feeling.

My life feels beautiful, in its own crumbled way.

And what Mallory said was true. My life isn't perfect right now. Things are still going wrong. There are problems that are challenging me and stressful. But enough things are going right that it makes all the difference.

Live too much?

Thu, 11 Dec 2008 22:56:17 GMT

My entire schedule is off and I haven't been doing anything productive lately. It's upsetting really...the amount of work I DON'T finish. Life seems perfect, but I really should start up on some of my old hobbies. I mean...whatever happened to art and drawing? I used to love that, but I'm so out of practice, I'm almost afraid to start again. Ugh. This is ridiculous. And, wow, tennis...? Let's not even talk about that...it's so so ridiculous how lazy I've become.

And I haven't touched fanfiction in too long.

Something really needs to be done about this...

Inbox...

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 15:46:19 GMT

I just realize I've never checked (or have known HOW to check the inbox) since I've had my lj. Therefore, to my surprise, I find 92 messages waiting for me this morning when I notice the little button at the top on the home page. Woops.

College

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 04:32:58 GMT

Holy wow. College. I've met so many cool people here, but sometimes I get so self conscious and think "Am I being really awkward and playing too much the part of the dorky freshman?" Sometimes when I don't know what to say, I just shoot off questions at the other person, probably making them feel like they're in some sort of a police interrogation. I can't wait to meet the people I'm going to stick with. The people I've met are cool, but I don't know if after classes start I'll ever see or talk to them again. Sometimes it gets quiet and they don't seem to mind, but seriously, I just feel that the silence is so scary.

I want to meet the people on my floor, but I've heard that after NSO you don't hang out much with them after a few months. So that's relatively sad...I don't know. It's just like there are so many people and you can't possibly be on the best terms with them all! I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet...

I want friends. Like good friends, best friends. People I can talk to about everything and anything. Sometimes when I've just had a very bad conversation and feel self conscious, I think about my best friends forever the most...my friends back home, who are all on their own too, now...But I think of them, and how it was never awkward, how there could just be...silence...and anything else and it'd be fine, and I remember it can't be like that here. It's upsetting to realize that they're so far away from me and our only contact is facebook. It's exhausting to think of new topics with new people since the conversation has to keep going, while with my other friends back home, the conversations never got old. The same topic, the same conversation, it all felt RIGHT and natural.

But to bring up another point, I feel NOTHING. I mean, there's like this silent emotion just bursting somewhere deep in me, but I can't REACH it, which is frustrating, like my emotional capacity is maxed at not feeling anything. I feel nothing for people. I "miss" my friends, which I really do, but at the same time, I don't think about them all the time, and not at all some days. I feel really excited sometimes to see a facebook comment/message, but that's it, I don't feel so upset and tiny and scared. Everyone else is talking about how freaked they are about missing family, friends, trying new things...and me, I'm those things, but not really. I don't know if that makes any sense. I just feel void and empty as if I have zero capacity for any emotions at all. Like, the things I should be feeling, I'm not feeling!! What's wrong with me?! Everyone complains about their family and can't wait to be away, but the second they are, they're scared and babbling about how it's hard without their mom or dad or whatever there...I just don't feel much of that...if any at all. One time I had this dream where my mom died, and in my dream, I completely freaked out because I didn't cry, and therefore started crying, but NOT because someone close to me had just left...because I felt NOTHING.

The reason I was crying was because I felt nothing.

Ugh, I have to stop that diversion into that topic...So far, I haven't felt any homesickness. I mean, I talked to Casey on the phone today, so I felt like I missed them a bit, but other than that, I haven't felt much homesickness, just excitement on being on my own and meeting new people.

I have NO idea why I have this fear of talking with older people...like the upperclassmen or sophomores. I know it's not high school, but still, it's so intimidating, even though I want to talk to them...but when I do, I'm like a volcano of questions. I don't want to be that awkward girl sitting in the corner not talking, but I don't want to be the one who continuously talks without letting anyone else talk. I just can't seem to find the balance...hopefully I will soon, because if I don't, it would be utterly upsetting. Anyways, that's all for now; the main move in is tomorrow so hopefully there will be more people on my side of the hall to talk to.

By the by, I keep hearing noise in the hall way and opening the door to see if anyone's there...but it seems like everyone on my floor is just so antisocial...like they're not excited to meet new people at all! Gr.

Looking Back...

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 18:40:48 GMT

Through all the years I've had my lj, I really haven't posted too much comparatively this year. I thought I was becoming more active on lj this year, but actually, I posted a lot more the last three years. Maybe it's just because in the last 3 years, I had more to angst over? I'm not sure. Not often have I posted on things other than life, and as we all know, sometimes life gets very boring, so there are periods when you don't find yourself with the need to be on lj (at least for personal posting purposes) too much. Maybe I feel more active on lj recently just because I've been commenting a lot in the communities and posting in the communities, but not so much to my personal lj that no one really bothers to read too much. Weird.

This. Day. is. Gonna. SUCK

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 14:21:13 GMT

I have an appointment at 12:00 noon so I needed the white car. The problem is I made the appointment yesterday at 8:00 pm so when I got home I was planning to tell my mom that I needed the car. But then she wasn't home so I didn't want to tell my dad because he's usually not really in charge of that stuff. But then I forget by the time she gets home so I just decided I would tell them this morning. I mean, my dad doesn't leave THAT early for work right? WRONG.

So I tell my mom anyways because it's not like I can just skip out on an appointment! But as soon as I mention it, my starts screaming at me about what a selfish child I am. I mean, granted, I did forget to tell her about the fact that I needed the car, but that was an honest mistake. It's not I deliberately planned to ruin her car plans. But I don't get how forgetting to say something about a car can make me all that selfish. The only reason I wanted her to go to Penn with me on the 28th was so that she could see her friend who she hasn't seen in forever, so yeah, excuse me if I've "never" thought about her well-being in the entirety of my 18 years of life!

Plus, I expect the only reason I AM this way is because this family is such a suppressor. There's only ever yelling yelling yelling and expectations, which is the only way I've ever seen a family...at least close up. So, sorry if I want to protect myself, as if it's unnatural for a human being to want to preserve their mental stability. I don't want to suffer like my mom because she's this huge time bomb waiting to go off every second of the day simply because she can't deal with anything. She handles the situation fine, but then after the situation, she goes pushing all her anger and stress onto everyone else because, what, she doesn't know how to just say something and think it through? I don't want to be like that. She says that we "push" all the responsibility on her as if she's just some tool, as if she doesn't do the same to us. And the only reason we push is because she never says a damn thing, she just yells and rants about it! She never says anything nice enough so we can remember something other than the fucking yelling.

Fan

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 05:16:39 GMT

Just started my new fanfic for CCS titled "Fan". It's pretty much the story of Sakura who develops this huge fan-crush on big name super star Li Syaoran. This entire thing stemmed from my obsession with Fahrenheit and Jiro Wang. But I was thinking, it might not be that hard to finish the fic because if it's me, I'm ALWAYS going to have someone I'm obsessing over, and it'd be great to be in Sakura's shoes where she actually ends up with him. Haha. I think I've gone a little...crazy. Oh well, insanity isn't too bad.

I feel bad for dropping Crystal Droplets...not like I'm giving up. But I feel like I seriously fucked up that one since I started it when I was 14...basically, it was a REALLY bad idea to shift points of view randomly, and not even at evenly spaced intervals either...I feel like CD is a serious mess.

My Life thus August 4th

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 08:38:58 GMT

Lets see, my first midnight party wasn't bad at all, it was a lot of fun. And I was 33rd in line to get my copy of Breaking Dawn, so that was definitely a plus, though I ended up waiting for Mallory anyway since I had to take her home. XP Oh well, the event was fun. Me and Mal ordered an Edward, and holy frick, the little boy who entered as Edward in the costume contest was the cutest little boy ever. EVER. All the girls were squealing our heads off.

Next: Breaking Dawn >>>

Holy wow. What. the. fuck?!

It was completely different than I had imagined it would be...which I suppose is a GOOD thing, but still, it was completely weird. I definitely felt like I had fallen out of Twilight-verse and into some other completely insane land. All the main characters seemed to be out of character, even if the situations were complicated, especially Bella and Edward. Well, it was just a tad annoying how Bella's point of view was focused entirely on Reneesme and practically ZERO on Edward. It's not like I'm sooo in love with Edward Cullen that I only want to hear about him or anything like that, but seriously, before Reneesme, Bella was beyond smitten with her vampire boyfriend, and suddenly, it's like Edward is totally out of the picture. And there was no huge battle at the end...which I seriously wanted. Oh well. All in all, it was still a good book, but just GAHH, so frustrating!!

And I can't believe there's already a wikipedia entry on Breaking Dawn...

Next point: Taiwanese Dramas

Oh my god, I swear I'm addicted. All I do now when I'm bored is watch Taiwanese dramas, especially those featuring members of Fahrenheit, probably because I'm beyond in love with the band right now. I swear, even if they suck singing live and they have no vocal range and are average singers, I still love them TO DEATH. Never in my life have I seen such a hot group of Asians. I just finished Rolling Love, which was amazing, and I'm now also smitten with Genie Zhou. Her voice is so sweet. As well as obsessive about Rolling Love's title song performed by Fahrenheit (of course >__<).

Point 3: The Graduation Project

I'm soo beyond proud of myself for almost finishing. Just 3 more tracks to go, which I will try to the best of my ability to finish by Saturday. Hopefully I'll get a track done tomorrow. Hopefully this video will have the effect I want!! And then I can make a cover and burn the mix as well as the video and all will be well! ^___^ I am so psyched for this one! I've never put so many hours into a video before, and I thought Run had taken an eternity just because it took me 2 days to complete it.

Point 4: The Un-Named Laptop

I love my unnamed laptop. It's so FAST. WAY faster than Egbert (no offense), but it is just fantastic. Even if it's processor is below par, it has those 4 GB of RAM that makes it absolutely loveable. I uploaded all my clips to make the video on this laptop from Egbert, and it imported them SO fast, about 10 minutes, while Egbert took up to 2 hours!! >___< The only problem is, I need to figure out a name for her (it feels like a her...) before I leave for college!

Point 5: Your Inner Fish

Summer reading! Woohoo, almost past chapter 5, meaning almost just 100 pages and a little more to go! I need to finish this fast so I can complete my alcohol course for Penn (bleh) and read the Host, which I bought WEEKS ago, but never got to starting. I feel bad for that though, but I really didn't want to put Breaking Dawn off just to finish the Host.

Writer's Block: Becoming a TV Character

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 17:13:32 GMT

If you could be any character from any TV show, who would you be and why?

Submitted By mchun

View 500 Answers

Buffy Anne Summers, of course! Because she kicks ass, has powers, has the incredible luck to die twice and come back, and of course, her two vampire lovers! >__< Haha.

Anyways, I can't believe I'm starting another fanfic for CCS. How could I?! When I hate how other writers leave their first story hanging in order to bust their muse on the second? Jeez, I'm a giant hypocrite.

Reading.

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 01:36:42 GMT

So I received my required reading book from Penn today, and I'm actually pretty set on reading it. It's called Your Inner Fish by Neil Shubin and it pretty much documents some specifics of evolution. Not to mention I feel as if I got a huge deal since it's a $24.00 hardback. >__

Love sigh

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 04:44:28 GMT

Ahhh!! Fahrenheit! 飞轮海!! >____<

Squee!!! <3 Boyband of incredibly cute asian boys with beautiful hair. T^T

You know what else rocks? When they star in cute TW dramas together!!! >___< Ella/Wu Chun!!

Missing China

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 04:43:42 GMT

Not that I'm not glad to have come back to good old Albuquerque, New Mexico, but I miss China...a lot. There it always felt like I was so much a part of the culture, that even if I was walking on the street alone, I wasn't, because there would ALWAYS be about 100 people just walking past me or riding a bike or SOMETHING. Here, if I were to just walk out onto the street, there'd be virtually no one, which is good, I suppose for quiet reflections, but what if I don't want to reflect? I just want to be part of the noise and the LIFE of the city! But all there is here is city and no life, at least not much life aside from cars. I'm going to miss China, all of it, even all the bad things, the awful indoor plumbing, the rude people, people who drive like suicidal maniacs...I'm going to miss it all.

Graduation

Mon, 12 May 2008 04:48:04 GMT

Wow, weird. There was a Buffy episode titled "Graduation". Okay. I'm way too obsessed. But it is so good. I don't want Buffy to get out of my head!! >___<

Graduation was so boring, although the valedictorian speeches were pretty good. That's because my fabulous friends wrote them! Strangely, the speeches did make me want to cry. But the actual ceremony was incredibly boring. It took forever for everyone to walk on stage and get their diploma covers. Not to mention the people around me were complete idiots. At the end of Delaney's speech, the guy two seats down from me was saying how stupid she was because in her speech she mentioned that one of us could find the cure to AIDS, and he was just "There's already a cure for AIDS." Stupid dolt. At least it'll probably be the last I see of him, since I did make a pretty snippy comment about that. The end was the best since we got to take pictures with everyone, and Moxi, Mindy, and Emma showed up after all and they brought me flowers! I'm proud that they sat through a two hour long ceremony that I was hardly awake for.

As a side note, Mr. Waters pronounced Mallory's name wrong. Mallory KA-mee. Right.

The AP Bio test is tomorrow! Gah...

Of Interesting Folks

Thu, 17 Jan 2008 10:10:53 GMT

I feel serious pity for those who need to pretend they're interesting, faking a "unique" quirk about them. Anything that's fake can't possibly be unique, everyone's thought of it before. I feel so sorry for them...the people who don't realize that THEY are way more interesting.

MARS

Tue, 18 Dec 2007 07:02:49 GMT

I seriously cannot stop obsessing over Mars and Meteor Garden!!! I wish Vic and daS got together in this series too though...it's hard imagining them not together after I found out they were dating. *sigh* I feel happy whenever I think about this series. hehe

Funny thing though. During an interview, daS was wearing this low-cut dress and Vic was talking and the interviewer asked if she normally dressed like that and then asked Vic for his opinion. And seriously, he looked her way and his gaze directly dropped to her chest. Then she bashed him for that. It was absolutely fantastic.

Current Distresses

Fri, 07 Dec 2007 05:12:05 GMT

This sums it up: Finals are in 9 days. @___@ Holy crap. I should just start studying right this minute, especially for Bio, I have an 89.5%. Barely an A...save me.

Feed me, please.

Thu, 22 Nov 2007 04:24:46 GMT

Ugh, my dad just edited my college application essays and he was like "You can't put NO for this answer!"

It was a really informal question asking me if I was interested or not in multidisciplinary team research about the social implications of technology and science. And I was like "No, I'm not really interested in researching that" and my dad was like "You can't NOT be interested in it!" as if I didn't have a choice in the matter. I'm like, they're fucking ASKING me if I'm interested or not! If they really didn't want room for my opinion in the matter, why not just word it that way?! How can I NOT be interested in it? I'm just not! He was trying to force feed his opinion that it DID matter down my throat. WHAT THE HELL?! It was like he was trying to preach religion to me, like he just didn't fucking get it that I WASN'T INTERESTED.

Friendship and Competition

Wed, 24 Oct 2007 06:25:43 GMT

Sometimes it really sucks having ambitious friends...guhh...I mean, I love all of them, but seriously, I just seem to be the only one who's "that girl who never ever wins". I guess I'm okay with that if it makes other people happy or confident. But the damage on yourself is just so irreparable that it's painful. I don't believe in myself anymore and I've become dependent on other people for happiness or support. What happened to myself and "Self-Reliance"? Even if I really want something, I just hand it to someone else because I feel like they would do better with it; because now I always think that everyone will do better with it. I can hurt myself as much as I want, but hurting others is just completely unbearable. I can say things that will help others, but nothing I say to myself comes through. Anything positive just hits this barricade. And that includes what other people say too. It doesn't matter about the good stuff, because I'll always be paranoid that they're lying to me. I can't trust anymore and that's just distressing. It's true, the bad stuff is just easier to believe...

Is it because I've told myself how completely and utterly worthless I am so many times that the good things just don't matter anymore? Is it because my parents have somehow implied that? I don't really remember them ever saying that to me, but I just can't help thinking that they aren't proud of me...that the only thing I am in their eyes is this worthless person. Words hurt so much more than any physical pain...stupid words. Actions speak louder than words, and right now, everyone's actions just lead to betrayal. I don't think it's fair since I've never done anything that would ask you to betray me, but I guess it's okay too if you backstab me...if that's what makes you happy too.

I don't mind if you don't think much of me, or nothing of me, but the thing is, don't lie to me about it. If you truly think I'm stupid, then just say so. If you truly think I'm ugly, just tell me. If you think I'm untalented, scream it to my face. I'll cry, yes, probably the moment those words leave your mouth (and I'll even believe it), but don't ever ever make me believe I'm something that you knew I never was all along. All I want is the truth and no one is telling it to me...or are they and I'm just too completely paranoid to believe anything that anyone says? I've brought this upon myself.

Is it selfish to be happy when other people are happy? Everything is a blur and I feel like I can't ever prove myself to anyone, and even if I did manage to prove myself, what would it matter?! I'm just average, and that is so hard to accept. Just face it, Jing, you're just plain in every aspect of your life. Nothing's special about you and nothing ever will be special about you.

I really want to talk to Crystal, because somehow, it seems like she's one of the only people anymore who LISTEN. I want to rebuild our friendship because I don't know her well anymore, but I know that we have so much, SO MUCH, in common, emotionally. It's been a long time since I cried typing a stupid blog...

I am such a horrible, horrible, horrible person. I don't know why, but I just know I've done a lot of things wrong and badly. The choices I've made all seem to be the wrong ones and the only road left is suffering. It's weird, because I've never minded feeling happy for other people or empathetic, but now, I just feel this emptiness that kills me. And I want it that way. I just want to feel nothing because that's the thing that hurts the least when you lose it. The only thing you can feel when you lose nothing is more nothingness. I am disgustingly selfish, typing this angst driven blog, but what else can I do, can I not even express myself anymore? I'm selfish, so so so selfish because now the only happiness I care about is my own, and I feel so guilty searching for it. Why can't I just stop being an ungrateful brat?

My view on things is in complete retrogression. I've reverted back to that 13 year old who just felt depressed all the time...who felt no one ever cared...who felt alone...the one who looked up a million icons about being lonely and hurting yourself and killing yourself. I've reverted back to that 6 year old who thought of running away from home...who thought of committing suicide and almost did. I'm not progressing in life, the only thing I'm doing is moving backwards, emotionally, mentally...

I'm in such a bad place right now. I've always been, but today, I just realized that this is my place and I can never move from it. No one seems to be able to pull me out...or want to, for that matter. Do they? It doesn't seem so and it's hard to look at everything from behind rose colored lenses when no one gave me the lenses in the first place. I'm such an emotional train wreck right now...and I want to be the prettiest wreck you've ever seen.