Holy wow. College. I've met so many cool people here, but sometimes I get so self conscious and think "Am I being really awkward and playing too much the part of the dorky freshman?" Sometimes when I don't know what to say, I just shoot off questions at the other person, probably making them feel like they're in some sort of a police interrogation. I can't wait to meet the people I'm going to stick with. The people I've met are cool, but I don't know if after classes start I'll ever see or talk to them again. Sometimes it gets quiet and they don't seem to mind, but seriously, I just feel that the silence is so scary.

I want to meet the people on my floor, but I've heard that after NSO you don't hang out much with them after a few months. So that's relatively sad...I don't know. It's just like there are so many people and you can't possibly be on the best terms with them all! I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet...

I want friends. Like good friends, best friends. People I can talk to about everything and anything. Sometimes when I've just had a very bad conversation and feel self conscious, I think about my best friends forever the most...my friends back home, who are all on their own too, now...But I think of them, and how it was never awkward, how there could just be...silence...and anything else and it'd be fine, and I remember it can't be like that here. It's upsetting to realize that they're so far away from me and our only contact is facebook. It's exhausting to think of new topics with new people since the conversation has to keep going, while with my other friends back home, the conversations never got old. The same topic, the same conversation, it all felt RIGHT and natural.

But to bring up another point, I feel NOTHING. I mean, there's like this silent emotion just bursting somewhere deep in me, but I can't REACH it, which is frustrating, like my emotional capacity is maxed at not feeling anything. I feel nothing for people. I "miss" my friends, which I really do, but at the same time, I don't think about them all the time, and not at all some days. I feel really excited sometimes to see a facebook comment/message, but that's it, I don't feel so upset and tiny and scared. Everyone else is talking about how freaked they are about missing family, friends, trying new things...and me, I'm those things, but not really. I don't know if that makes any sense. I just feel void and empty as if I have zero capacity for any emotions at all. Like, the things I should be feeling, I'm not feeling!! What's wrong with me?! Everyone complains about their family and can't wait to be away, but the second they are, they're scared and babbling about how it's hard without their mom or dad or whatever there...I just don't feel much of that...if any at all. One time I had this dream where my mom died, and in my dream, I completely freaked out because I didn't cry, and therefore started crying, but NOT because someone close to me had just left...because I felt NOTHING.

The reason I was crying was because I felt nothing.

Ugh, I have to stop that diversion into that topic...So far, I haven't felt any homesickness. I mean, I talked to Casey on the phone today, so I felt like I missed them a bit, but other than that, I haven't felt much homesickness, just excitement on being on my own and meeting new people.

I have NO idea why I have this fear of talking with older people...like the upperclassmen or sophomores. I know it's not high school, but still, it's so intimidating, even though I want to talk to them...but when I do, I'm like a volcano of questions. I don't want to be that awkward girl sitting in the corner not talking, but I don't want to be the one who continuously talks without letting anyone else talk. I just can't seem to find the balance...hopefully I will soon, because if I don't, it would be utterly upsetting. Anyways, that's all for now; the main move in is tomorrow so hopefully there will be more people on my side of the hall to talk to.

By the by, I keep hearing noise in the hall way and opening the door to see if anyone's there...but it seems like everyone on my floor is just so antisocial...like they're not excited to meet new people at all! Gr.